3 months

I cannot believe it has been three months since I got back from India. Three months in which I have dwelled on the experiences I had. Three months in which not a lot has changed. I went on a mission trip, and I expected my whole life to change, and yet, as much as I wish it did, it didn't. My heart changed more than I could ever explain, and yet my life, to someone outside looking in, looks exactly the same. I play golf; I go to youth group; I am attentive in school; I am kind, caring, and considerate, yet I pick fights with the people I care about most; I am still ungrateful for what I have.

That is the hardest thing for me to swallow of all. Let's face it; I am very spoiled. My room is full of things I don't need. The cupboards are always full, my refrigerator keeps things cold, I have an extensive movie collection AND a really nice TV to watch them on. I have at least 15 pairs of shoes, when I can only logically wear one pair at a time. I promised myself that I would never again be ungrateful for what I have, and yet I came home, and I went right back to being spoiled. Every morning, I go through a routine that shows that I am blessed beyond belief. I debate over which pair of pants matches my shirt the best, when there are people who only have one pair of pants. I debate over what pair of shoes to wear, when other people work barefoot. I ponder which bow would look the cutest in my hair, while girls in other countries cry because all their hair was cut off. I skip breakfast, because I can, while children go without it while their stomachs rumble, just like they did yesterday... and the day before that. I complain about teachers and homework and school, when there are people who don't get to go to school, and would love to. I complain about reading a book and writing a paper for English class, while other people find jobs that require neither, because they never had the opportunity to learn how.

I have so many blessings in my life, and I have only noticed them in the last three months. The least I can do is be thankful for what I have, be grateful for what God has blessed me with. 

A Thought

After all this time, there is still one question that resounds in my head. One question that I can't seem to forget. It keeps me up at night. I can't stop praying about this one question. 

"How could YOU, the almighty, all-powerful, all-knowing, creator of the universe, let this happen?"

Today, God slapped me in the face with an answer. It's not, how could HE let this happen, it is, HOW COULD I? Because I sit here, in my wonderful home with everything I have ever wanted, and I'm doing nothing to stop what is happening. I am doing absolutely nothing to prevent those children from being in the situations they are in. Who am I to judge God, to ask Him why he does nothing, when I sit here, and I do the exact same thing I'm accusing Him of. 

Returning to Normal

I still don't understand things. I still have trouble being in America. In fact, I hate it half of the time, but I'm beginning to understand some things, and it is getting easier.

One of the hardest things has been to return to the life I knew, to return to the things I had planned, and realize that those things hold half the importance that they once did.

I've always thought about how there are people starving in the world. It is something that would flit across my brain, would stay in the center of my thoughts for a minute, and then would disappear as quickly as it had come. It's different now though. It's not something that occurs to me every once in a while, but instead quite often. It is no longer an image of an emaciated child with no face, but instead the face of a child I can see, clear as day. The children I saw on the streets there, the eyes that begged for anything to make their life better. I can no longer ignore the fact that there are hurting children throughout the world; those children now have faces; they now have names.

I have prayed and prayed, not knowing what I can do, but only knowing that I must do something, anything. I hope that God will lead me in the right direction, that sometime in the future, he has something planned for me that will help change those horrid facts. 

Interesting

If you will recall, I posted this after my first day in India:

"Tonight, Berea asked me a question that was extremely hard to answer, yet I knew that it was something I needed to think about. She asked me:

If you could ask God one question, what would it be, and why? 

Finally, I came up with my answer. How could He, the maker of the universe, the All-power, All-mighty, Omniscient God let this happen? What makes one child more cared for than another? Why do I live in complete comfort, with everything I have ever wanted or ever needed, when there are children who are starving. Why are there children in India who are cared for, and loved, and then there are others who live on the streets, wondering if they are going to eat tonight. It just doesn't seem fair, and I don't understand it."

I find it interesting, because after all my days in India, after all the experiences, the way I answered this the first night, is the way I would answer it now.