A Thought

After all this time, there is still one question that resounds in my head. One question that I can't seem to forget. It keeps me up at night. I can't stop praying about this one question. 

"How could YOU, the almighty, all-powerful, all-knowing, creator of the universe, let this happen?"

Today, God slapped me in the face with an answer. It's not, how could HE let this happen, it is, HOW COULD I? Because I sit here, in my wonderful home with everything I have ever wanted, and I'm doing nothing to stop what is happening. I am doing absolutely nothing to prevent those children from being in the situations they are in. Who am I to judge God, to ask Him why he does nothing, when I sit here, and I do the exact same thing I'm accusing Him of. 

Returning to Normal

I still don't understand things. I still have trouble being in America. In fact, I hate it half of the time, but I'm beginning to understand some things, and it is getting easier.

One of the hardest things has been to return to the life I knew, to return to the things I had planned, and realize that those things hold half the importance that they once did.

I've always thought about how there are people starving in the world. It is something that would flit across my brain, would stay in the center of my thoughts for a minute, and then would disappear as quickly as it had come. It's different now though. It's not something that occurs to me every once in a while, but instead quite often. It is no longer an image of an emaciated child with no face, but instead the face of a child I can see, clear as day. The children I saw on the streets there, the eyes that begged for anything to make their life better. I can no longer ignore the fact that there are hurting children throughout the world; those children now have faces; they now have names.

I have prayed and prayed, not knowing what I can do, but only knowing that I must do something, anything. I hope that God will lead me in the right direction, that sometime in the future, he has something planned for me that will help change those horrid facts. 

Interesting

If you will recall, I posted this after my first day in India:

"Tonight, Berea asked me a question that was extremely hard to answer, yet I knew that it was something I needed to think about. She asked me:

If you could ask God one question, what would it be, and why? 

Finally, I came up with my answer. How could He, the maker of the universe, the All-power, All-mighty, Omniscient God let this happen? What makes one child more cared for than another? Why do I live in complete comfort, with everything I have ever wanted or ever needed, when there are children who are starving. Why are there children in India who are cared for, and loved, and then there are others who live on the streets, wondering if they are going to eat tonight. It just doesn't seem fair, and I don't understand it."

I find it interesting, because after all my days in India, after all the experiences, the way I answered this the first night, is the way I would answer it now. 

I can't even begin to describe how I feel. Basically, 

It sucks. 

Home

I don't know how to be here. I cry all the time, over the stupidest stuff. When I was in my room for the first time, I just sat on my floor, in the middle of my room, and cried. It seems so unfair that I have a room full of possessions, a room FULL of stuff to call mine, they have a cubby. Nothing in this world is fair. It all just stinks. I want to treasure everything I own and throw everything away at the same time. I feel so emotionally confused all the time. I don't know what to feel...

Sad, because I miss them;
Angry, because they are in that position;
Guilty, because I live life so wonderfully, and I take so much of it for granted.

How can I do this?

Headed Home

Airplane.

Hate.

Going home.

Already miss it.

GAHHH!!

This stinks.

HELP.

Heartbroken.

How?

Why?

INDIA

LAST DAY

WOW. How to even put into words how this feels? The day was pretty fun, but there was a sense of foreboding clouding the day. I could tell the kids were thinking about it being the last day. We did everything like normal throughout the day though. We even ended up having a dance party! It was SO much fun! We learned some of their style of dancing and then we taught them the Cha-Cha Slide.

At the end of the day, we had to say goodbye. Before that, we all sat in a circle and said what the trip, and us being there, had meant to us. It was so amazing to hear exactly what it meant to the kids for us to come. I was the first to cry of course. I'm crying just thinking about it. I can't recall everything that was said, but there was one that stuck out to me. There was a girl named Swetha, she is about 14 years old. She stood up and promptly started crying, the tears just streaming down her face. She told us about the hard life she had before she came to the orphanage. She didn't know what fun was, because her parents had mistreated her. She told us that we had shown her what fun truly means, and she was so grateful for us. It was so impactful. It showed me the power of short-term missions.

Then the real goodbyes started. It was heartbreaking. Absolutely, completely, utterly, heartbreaking.
I have never felt so loved in all my life. I don't know how I found the strength to walk out of that building, but I did. I guess God gave me the strength, because there is no way I did that on my own. 

VBS

Today was my first day of regular VBS, and what a day it was! Since Joelle left for Haiti this morning, I took her spot as Noah's partner at Galilee Grace. For some reason, this orphanage was the one I had felt the deepest connection with, and I was so happy when I found out I would be getting to go back there. We played games (Duck, Duck, Goose; Tiger/Sheep; and at least 100 rounds of Heads-Up, Seven-Up), sang a bunch of songs, and did a lesson on the crucifixion. Our craft was to make necklaces, and since we made extra, I made a bracelet. Then all the kids wanted bracelets too of course, so we ended up spending a ton of time on our craft :) overall, the day went really well, and I sincerely enjoyed working with Noah. That night we got to take the kids from Galilee Grace out to dinner with us. Most of them had never even been in a restaurant before, which is so sad considering their age. It was so cute, they tried SO hard to eat with their silverware, and at first, they were all eating really awkwardly and I couldn't figure out why. Then, I realized it was because they aren't used to using silverware. I told Joshua to tell them they didn't have to use it. When he did, relief spread across their faces. They all threw down their forks and knives and dug in with their fingers. They didn't know they didn't have to use it. By the end of dinner, every kid was stuffed to the brim. There was no way any of them could eat another bite. I was afraid some of them would be sick because their bodies aren't used to all the food. After everyone was done eating, we had a huge dance party in the restaurant, including a conga line. Even though everyone was staring at us, it was so much fun.

It was a good day :)

BANU

You know, a lot of different things happened today, and I could tell you all these wonderful stories, but in the end, only one story really matters. My heart breaks for Banu, literally breaks for a child I spent a couple hours with. What a beautiful little 5 year old, with such a harsh story to her life. She has only been at Mercy Home for 4 days. Her mother passed away at 22 from cancer. Cancer also claimed both her grandmother and grandfather. Four days ago, her father was killed in an accident. He was fixing something and holding it up at the same time, and it fell on top of him. He died immediately. I can tell this little one is hurting. Her english is very limited, unlike the other children at the orphanage. I can see the pain in her eyes, and that pains me. One of the women at the orphanage told me that when she first arrived at the orphanage, she cried and cried. She cried for three days and three nights, and that's all she did. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep. When she told me that, I just wanted to pick Banu up and hold her in my arms forever. But eventually, I had to let go. When she realized we were leaving, she got all shy and sad. She wouldn't even let me hug her. Eventually, when I did give her a hug, she looked at me and started crying. I got on the bus with a broken heart. When I looked out the window, there she was, staring at me, tears streaming down her face. The look on her face was the saddest thing I have ever seen. She looked at me like I was just one more person to walk out of her life. And the worst part is, she's right. I'm leaving. I have to sit on this bus and let it drive away, knowing I may never see her again, and that breaks me.  

Learning Kannada

What a fun day! I got to travel to TWO separate orphanages.I went to Galilee Grace first, and then Agape in the afternoon. I decided right off the bat it would be easier if I could ask the kids a couple questions so Ramesh didn't have to keep running between Dr. Hodson and I. I asked Ramesh if he would teach me how to speak some Kannada, and at first, it seemed impossible. Finally I got it! This is how it sounds, and what it means:

My name is Lauren- Nah-Nah es-ah-roo Lauren

What's your name? Nee-Nah es-ah-roo yay-new?

How old are you? Nee-Nah y-ah-sue yesh-tu

It was so cool to see the children's reactions when I spoke them in their language. There was one moment in particular that was really cool. Kedsiya is one of the older kids at Galilee Grace, and she speaks almost perfect English. I didn't know that, and so when she came up to get her check-up, I talked to her in Kannada. She looked surprised, and then she smiled and said, "My name is Kedsiya". It was just this really amazing moment where we could speak each others language, and it was almost as if we understood each other. It was really neat!

During lunch, Alice, the "mom" of the orphanage, talked to us about her life, and it was just amazing everything that had happened to her. Everything she said she attributed back to God. The words "By God's Grace" were at the start or end of almost every sentence. She has so very little, but she gives EVERYTHING to God anyways. That is astounding to me.

Recently, I have really gotten the opportunity to know Noah. What a magnificent young man. He may not want to be a missionary when he grows up, but that part of him will never leave him. Anyone could tell that he has a heart for orphans. Not only that, but they love him in return. I learning how to touch the lives of the little ones from him. 

Physicals!

Today was great! I really enjoyed meeting the children at Bethany Blessing. They were all so friendly and welcoming. At first, I felt like I would be ignored because I'd never been before. That wasn't the case at all. They hugged me and called me sister. It was so nice. We started off by singing! I actually ended up teaching them a new song, which was fun. Then I ended up playing two games before going upstairs to help Dr. Hodson get started.

Photo Credit: Jim Hodson

Dr. Hodson is a local Greenwood pediatrician. In India, the government has stated that every child in orphanage care must have a physical on file. If they don't, the government could come in at any time and take each of those children and throw them back into the streets. In result of this, Dr. Hodson brought papers, medical supplies, and medicines with the intention of giving a physical to every child in all the orphanages. I really want to be a doctor when I grow up, and go on medical missions trips. I job shadowed Dr. Hodson this spring in her Greenwood office, that way I could see that side of things, and in India, I am her nurse, helping with the physicals.



When I went upstairs, she was checking on one of the caretakers of the orphanage, so I was left in the a little hallway to wait. While I'm waiting, I suddenly see this little face peek around the corner and stare at me. Then, it disappeared and another face appeared. This continued for a good two minutes. Then, one of the women invited me inside. There were about twenty kids inside, and all of them had to be five years old or younger. They were playing Ring-Around-the-Rosy, but all of them were staring at me while they continued to play. That makes for a very interesting game, let me tell you. They were all so adorable. There was this one little boy that would wave at me every two seconds, and then he started making silly faces at me too. He made my day. He just had so much energy and joy, and it was absolutely wonderful to see. All the physicals went well, Dr. Hodson and I had it down after the first couple. Ramesh (our own, personal, wonderful interpreter) ended up being very helpful in this process. The only hard part was when we realized that the automatic blood pressure machine had too big of a cuff and I had to do it manually. It was SO hard. Dr. Hodson had to do it again every time because I couldn't hear anything. One thing I loved was that every time I put a blood pressure cuff on them, they would be so shocked at how it squeezed their arm. It makes me sad to think that something so normal for us is completely weird for them. It's sad that they haven't had that done because they can't go to the doctor.

After we finished physicals, I had my first Indian home-cooked meal.  It was actually pretty good! Joshua had to teach me how to eat with my fingers. It's weird not to use silverware. I also kept trying to use my left hand, which did not go over very well (see Indian Customs). I ended up having to hold my plate with my left hand, which helped a lot. I also learned that cucumbers cut spice really well, a lot better than water does.

Then it was time for the bible story and craft. Believe it or not, the bible story we read, was one that I had never heard before, but all the kids had. I was impressed with their bible knowledge, even at such a young age! Then, it was time for our craft! Since I had all the little ones in my group, we made fiery furnaces out of sand. It was pretty messy, but so fun! I ended up helping a little boy named Puneeth (seen at right in the purple shirt), and he was so cute!