3 months

I cannot believe it has been three months since I got back from India. Three months in which I have dwelled on the experiences I had. Three months in which not a lot has changed. I went on a mission trip, and I expected my whole life to change, and yet, as much as I wish it did, it didn't. My heart changed more than I could ever explain, and yet my life, to someone outside looking in, looks exactly the same. I play golf; I go to youth group; I am attentive in school; I am kind, caring, and considerate, yet I pick fights with the people I care about most; I am still ungrateful for what I have.

That is the hardest thing for me to swallow of all. Let's face it; I am very spoiled. My room is full of things I don't need. The cupboards are always full, my refrigerator keeps things cold, I have an extensive movie collection AND a really nice TV to watch them on. I have at least 15 pairs of shoes, when I can only logically wear one pair at a time. I promised myself that I would never again be ungrateful for what I have, and yet I came home, and I went right back to being spoiled. Every morning, I go through a routine that shows that I am blessed beyond belief. I debate over which pair of pants matches my shirt the best, when there are people who only have one pair of pants. I debate over what pair of shoes to wear, when other people work barefoot. I ponder which bow would look the cutest in my hair, while girls in other countries cry because all their hair was cut off. I skip breakfast, because I can, while children go without it while their stomachs rumble, just like they did yesterday... and the day before that. I complain about teachers and homework and school, when there are people who don't get to go to school, and would love to. I complain about reading a book and writing a paper for English class, while other people find jobs that require neither, because they never had the opportunity to learn how.

I have so many blessings in my life, and I have only noticed them in the last three months. The least I can do is be thankful for what I have, be grateful for what God has blessed me with. 

A Thought

After all this time, there is still one question that resounds in my head. One question that I can't seem to forget. It keeps me up at night. I can't stop praying about this one question. 

"How could YOU, the almighty, all-powerful, all-knowing, creator of the universe, let this happen?"

Today, God slapped me in the face with an answer. It's not, how could HE let this happen, it is, HOW COULD I? Because I sit here, in my wonderful home with everything I have ever wanted, and I'm doing nothing to stop what is happening. I am doing absolutely nothing to prevent those children from being in the situations they are in. Who am I to judge God, to ask Him why he does nothing, when I sit here, and I do the exact same thing I'm accusing Him of. 

Returning to Normal

I still don't understand things. I still have trouble being in America. In fact, I hate it half of the time, but I'm beginning to understand some things, and it is getting easier.

One of the hardest things has been to return to the life I knew, to return to the things I had planned, and realize that those things hold half the importance that they once did.

I've always thought about how there are people starving in the world. It is something that would flit across my brain, would stay in the center of my thoughts for a minute, and then would disappear as quickly as it had come. It's different now though. It's not something that occurs to me every once in a while, but instead quite often. It is no longer an image of an emaciated child with no face, but instead the face of a child I can see, clear as day. The children I saw on the streets there, the eyes that begged for anything to make their life better. I can no longer ignore the fact that there are hurting children throughout the world; those children now have faces; they now have names.

I have prayed and prayed, not knowing what I can do, but only knowing that I must do something, anything. I hope that God will lead me in the right direction, that sometime in the future, he has something planned for me that will help change those horrid facts. 

Interesting

If you will recall, I posted this after my first day in India:

"Tonight, Berea asked me a question that was extremely hard to answer, yet I knew that it was something I needed to think about. She asked me:

If you could ask God one question, what would it be, and why? 

Finally, I came up with my answer. How could He, the maker of the universe, the All-power, All-mighty, Omniscient God let this happen? What makes one child more cared for than another? Why do I live in complete comfort, with everything I have ever wanted or ever needed, when there are children who are starving. Why are there children in India who are cared for, and loved, and then there are others who live on the streets, wondering if they are going to eat tonight. It just doesn't seem fair, and I don't understand it."

I find it interesting, because after all my days in India, after all the experiences, the way I answered this the first night, is the way I would answer it now. 

I can't even begin to describe how I feel. Basically, 

It sucks. 

Home

I don't know how to be here. I cry all the time, over the stupidest stuff. When I was in my room for the first time, I just sat on my floor, in the middle of my room, and cried. It seems so unfair that I have a room full of possessions, a room FULL of stuff to call mine, they have a cubby. Nothing in this world is fair. It all just stinks. I want to treasure everything I own and throw everything away at the same time. I feel so emotionally confused all the time. I don't know what to feel...

Sad, because I miss them;
Angry, because they are in that position;
Guilty, because I live life so wonderfully, and I take so much of it for granted.

How can I do this?

Headed Home

Airplane.

Hate.

Going home.

Already miss it.

GAHHH!!

This stinks.

HELP.

Heartbroken.

How?

Why?

INDIA

LAST DAY

WOW. How to even put into words how this feels? The day was pretty fun, but there was a sense of foreboding clouding the day. I could tell the kids were thinking about it being the last day. We did everything like normal throughout the day though. We even ended up having a dance party! It was SO much fun! We learned some of their style of dancing and then we taught them the Cha-Cha Slide.

At the end of the day, we had to say goodbye. Before that, we all sat in a circle and said what the trip, and us being there, had meant to us. It was so amazing to hear exactly what it meant to the kids for us to come. I was the first to cry of course. I'm crying just thinking about it. I can't recall everything that was said, but there was one that stuck out to me. There was a girl named Swetha, she is about 14 years old. She stood up and promptly started crying, the tears just streaming down her face. She told us about the hard life she had before she came to the orphanage. She didn't know what fun was, because her parents had mistreated her. She told us that we had shown her what fun truly means, and she was so grateful for us. It was so impactful. It showed me the power of short-term missions.

Then the real goodbyes started. It was heartbreaking. Absolutely, completely, utterly, heartbreaking.
I have never felt so loved in all my life. I don't know how I found the strength to walk out of that building, but I did. I guess God gave me the strength, because there is no way I did that on my own. 

VBS

Today was my first day of regular VBS, and what a day it was! Since Joelle left for Haiti this morning, I took her spot as Noah's partner at Galilee Grace. For some reason, this orphanage was the one I had felt the deepest connection with, and I was so happy when I found out I would be getting to go back there. We played games (Duck, Duck, Goose; Tiger/Sheep; and at least 100 rounds of Heads-Up, Seven-Up), sang a bunch of songs, and did a lesson on the crucifixion. Our craft was to make necklaces, and since we made extra, I made a bracelet. Then all the kids wanted bracelets too of course, so we ended up spending a ton of time on our craft :) overall, the day went really well, and I sincerely enjoyed working with Noah. That night we got to take the kids from Galilee Grace out to dinner with us. Most of them had never even been in a restaurant before, which is so sad considering their age. It was so cute, they tried SO hard to eat with their silverware, and at first, they were all eating really awkwardly and I couldn't figure out why. Then, I realized it was because they aren't used to using silverware. I told Joshua to tell them they didn't have to use it. When he did, relief spread across their faces. They all threw down their forks and knives and dug in with their fingers. They didn't know they didn't have to use it. By the end of dinner, every kid was stuffed to the brim. There was no way any of them could eat another bite. I was afraid some of them would be sick because their bodies aren't used to all the food. After everyone was done eating, we had a huge dance party in the restaurant, including a conga line. Even though everyone was staring at us, it was so much fun.

It was a good day :)

BANU

You know, a lot of different things happened today, and I could tell you all these wonderful stories, but in the end, only one story really matters. My heart breaks for Banu, literally breaks for a child I spent a couple hours with. What a beautiful little 5 year old, with such a harsh story to her life. She has only been at Mercy Home for 4 days. Her mother passed away at 22 from cancer. Cancer also claimed both her grandmother and grandfather. Four days ago, her father was killed in an accident. He was fixing something and holding it up at the same time, and it fell on top of him. He died immediately. I can tell this little one is hurting. Her english is very limited, unlike the other children at the orphanage. I can see the pain in her eyes, and that pains me. One of the women at the orphanage told me that when she first arrived at the orphanage, she cried and cried. She cried for three days and three nights, and that's all she did. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep. When she told me that, I just wanted to pick Banu up and hold her in my arms forever. But eventually, I had to let go. When she realized we were leaving, she got all shy and sad. She wouldn't even let me hug her. Eventually, when I did give her a hug, she looked at me and started crying. I got on the bus with a broken heart. When I looked out the window, there she was, staring at me, tears streaming down her face. The look on her face was the saddest thing I have ever seen. She looked at me like I was just one more person to walk out of her life. And the worst part is, she's right. I'm leaving. I have to sit on this bus and let it drive away, knowing I may never see her again, and that breaks me.  

Learning Kannada

What a fun day! I got to travel to TWO separate orphanages.I went to Galilee Grace first, and then Agape in the afternoon. I decided right off the bat it would be easier if I could ask the kids a couple questions so Ramesh didn't have to keep running between Dr. Hodson and I. I asked Ramesh if he would teach me how to speak some Kannada, and at first, it seemed impossible. Finally I got it! This is how it sounds, and what it means:

My name is Lauren- Nah-Nah es-ah-roo Lauren

What's your name? Nee-Nah es-ah-roo yay-new?

How old are you? Nee-Nah y-ah-sue yesh-tu

It was so cool to see the children's reactions when I spoke them in their language. There was one moment in particular that was really cool. Kedsiya is one of the older kids at Galilee Grace, and she speaks almost perfect English. I didn't know that, and so when she came up to get her check-up, I talked to her in Kannada. She looked surprised, and then she smiled and said, "My name is Kedsiya". It was just this really amazing moment where we could speak each others language, and it was almost as if we understood each other. It was really neat!

During lunch, Alice, the "mom" of the orphanage, talked to us about her life, and it was just amazing everything that had happened to her. Everything she said she attributed back to God. The words "By God's Grace" were at the start or end of almost every sentence. She has so very little, but she gives EVERYTHING to God anyways. That is astounding to me.

Recently, I have really gotten the opportunity to know Noah. What a magnificent young man. He may not want to be a missionary when he grows up, but that part of him will never leave him. Anyone could tell that he has a heart for orphans. Not only that, but they love him in return. I learning how to touch the lives of the little ones from him. 

Physicals!

Today was great! I really enjoyed meeting the children at Bethany Blessing. They were all so friendly and welcoming. At first, I felt like I would be ignored because I'd never been before. That wasn't the case at all. They hugged me and called me sister. It was so nice. We started off by singing! I actually ended up teaching them a new song, which was fun. Then I ended up playing two games before going upstairs to help Dr. Hodson get started.

Photo Credit: Jim Hodson

Dr. Hodson is a local Greenwood pediatrician. In India, the government has stated that every child in orphanage care must have a physical on file. If they don't, the government could come in at any time and take each of those children and throw them back into the streets. In result of this, Dr. Hodson brought papers, medical supplies, and medicines with the intention of giving a physical to every child in all the orphanages. I really want to be a doctor when I grow up, and go on medical missions trips. I job shadowed Dr. Hodson this spring in her Greenwood office, that way I could see that side of things, and in India, I am her nurse, helping with the physicals.



When I went upstairs, she was checking on one of the caretakers of the orphanage, so I was left in the a little hallway to wait. While I'm waiting, I suddenly see this little face peek around the corner and stare at me. Then, it disappeared and another face appeared. This continued for a good two minutes. Then, one of the women invited me inside. There were about twenty kids inside, and all of them had to be five years old or younger. They were playing Ring-Around-the-Rosy, but all of them were staring at me while they continued to play. That makes for a very interesting game, let me tell you. They were all so adorable. There was this one little boy that would wave at me every two seconds, and then he started making silly faces at me too. He made my day. He just had so much energy and joy, and it was absolutely wonderful to see. All the physicals went well, Dr. Hodson and I had it down after the first couple. Ramesh (our own, personal, wonderful interpreter) ended up being very helpful in this process. The only hard part was when we realized that the automatic blood pressure machine had too big of a cuff and I had to do it manually. It was SO hard. Dr. Hodson had to do it again every time because I couldn't hear anything. One thing I loved was that every time I put a blood pressure cuff on them, they would be so shocked at how it squeezed their arm. It makes me sad to think that something so normal for us is completely weird for them. It's sad that they haven't had that done because they can't go to the doctor.

After we finished physicals, I had my first Indian home-cooked meal.  It was actually pretty good! Joshua had to teach me how to eat with my fingers. It's weird not to use silverware. I also kept trying to use my left hand, which did not go over very well (see Indian Customs). I ended up having to hold my plate with my left hand, which helped a lot. I also learned that cucumbers cut spice really well, a lot better than water does.

Then it was time for the bible story and craft. Believe it or not, the bible story we read, was one that I had never heard before, but all the kids had. I was impressed with their bible knowledge, even at such a young age! Then, it was time for our craft! Since I had all the little ones in my group, we made fiery furnaces out of sand. It was pretty messy, but so fun! I ended up helping a little boy named Puneeth (seen at right in the purple shirt), and he was so cute! 

Riot Day

Today was a blessing in disguise. People in India today had a nation-wide protest because gas here is $6 a gallon. That is some really expensive gas! Anyways, the protest resulted in riots. Mr. Jurgensen told us that they were burning cars and stoning drivers. That is really really sad. We weren't allowed to go to the orphanages, which was really disappointing, but I've realized that God was opening the door of fellowship and allowing us to minister to each other instead. The day started nice chat in our room between Ellen, Berea, and me, but quickly gained in number. At first, it was just Ben and Noah who came up, and we ended up playing Truth or Dare and then HotSeat. To those of you who don't know what HotSeat is, I shall explain.

Rules of HotSeat:

• each person is on the HotSeat for 1 min
• you can ask anything you want
• they must answer honestly
• they can veto if its too personal

Rebekah and Madeline ended up joining us in the middle of HotSeat. After HotSeat, we ended up asking eachother really deep, meaningful questions, and it was wonderful! We just had the best conversation! We asked questions like: "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?" or "What's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen a person do" or "What's the most beautiful thing about people". The best part about it was that the answers were really deep, and everyone was so open and vulnerable. I got to see the hearts of each of the young adults on the trip, and that was completely wonderful! 

Photo Credit: Ben Hodson

After having a deep conversation for a while, we got pretty slap happy, and decided to let the pranks begin. After failing to saran wrap Ruth Fasel's toilet (she caught us red handed), we decided to saran wrap her door, while she was inside taking a nap. She didn't mind at first, but eventually she needed to get out, and we convinced her to run straight at all the saran wrap and duct tape. It was very funny. 

Experiencing Bangalore

Well, today was definitely an interesting day. On the way to the hotel, the stuff I saw was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.It looked a lot like Mexico, Dominican, and other places I have been to before. The hotel is actually really nice. I was surprised. I mean, it's no Marriott, but for where we are, it is nice. We went to Commercial Street later in the day, which was fun. Commercial Street is a street that contains all kinds of stores. Some are little tiny shops, while others are big time names, like Nike! We even went to McDonalds!

 After we left Commercial Street, we went to one of the orphanages, Galilee Grace or The Grace Home. I felt pretty broken at some points. At first, it was great! We played games with the children and they were all so adorable. I even taught them a game we play here a lot, called Ships & Sailors, and they loved it! It was after that where I started to see the pain in India.

Photo Credit: Ben Hodson

Photo Credit: Ben Hodson

We went upstairs to see where they children sleep. The conditions actually were pretty good. They had nice bunk beds to sleep in. Although they were crammed into small rooms, at least they had somewhere to sleep. They also had little cubbies to store their things in. It is sad that everything they own can fit into one of those tiny little boxes, when I own a room full of things that I can call mine.

Once we had taken a look around, I went over to the "window" (just a hole with slats in it) and what I saw gave me so many questions to ask God. There were just piles of trash, right there, next door to the orphanage. Children were roaming around in the piles, picking up trash, obviously hunting. Berea told me that the children that do that are the ones that live on the streets, and they search through the trash for anything they can eat or sell. Seeing that, well, it definitely rocked my faith a bit.

Tonight, Berea asked me a question that was extremely hard to answer, yet I knew that it was something I needed to think about. She asked me:

If you could ask God one question, what would it be, and why? 

Finally, I came up with my answer. How could He, the maker of the universe, the All-power, All-mighty, Omniscient God let this happen? What makes one child more cared for than another? Why do I live in complete comfort, with everything I have ever wanted or ever needed, when there are children who are starving. Why are there children in India who are cared for, and loved, and then there are others who live on the streets, wondering if they are going to eat tonight. It just doesn't seem fair, and I don't understand it. 

Arrival

We arrived in India safe and sound. As the airplane was getting ready to land, I was freaking out. I had so much energy-even though it seemed impossible as I had slept only 4 hours in the past two days-and I could barely stay in my seat. Regardless of the fact that I had ended up sitting in the dead center of the plane, I still wanted to see Bangalore from the air. So there I was, straining to get a glimpse of India. Of course, I didn't take into account that it was 4:30 AM and it was pitch black outside. Berea kindly pointed this out to me, but I didn't care in the slightest. I still had to see it.

First Adventure: Customs

I have gone through customs in the past, but I've never had to go alone. I got everything filled out on my form and felt pretty prepared when I got in line. The person in front of me had difficulty and I ended up having to switch lines, making me the last of the team to go through. When the woman behind the counter spoke for the first time, I knew I was going to have trouble. Even though she was speaking English, it sounded Indian to me. The accent in her voice disguised every word I knew and twisted it into something unrecognizable. Eventually I discerned that she was asking about the address I had written down. This is how the conversation ended up going:

Her: What is this? *Points at address*

Me: Uh...Where I'm staying?

Her: No. What is it?

Me: Uhm...a hotel?

Her: No. What is it? What it called?

Me: Oh. Uhmm...

Now at this point, I have not idea what hotel we are staying at. I was at a complete mind blank. I had no idea what to say. I knew that our original plan had been to stay at The Royale Habitat, but, as you will see,  plans often change on missions trips, and I had no idea what the name of the new hotel was. So I just stood there, staring at her, trying to send telepathic messages to someone to help me. She must have seen the panic in my face, because the next thing I knew she had pulled out Joelle's customs form and asked if it was the same. So, after a minor panic on my part, I got through customs, and was ready to see Bangalore!

Second Adventure: Bathroom

A few things about my first Indian bathroom:

• I had to pay to use the toilet
• There was no toilet paper
• It smelled 

Welcome to India!

Airplane Time

I actually this on airplane number one (Chicago to London):

Well, we are on flight one of two, and we've still got a ways to go. I can't believe I am on my way to India. Four months ago, this seemed like a far off dream, and I am so glad God blessed me with the opportunity. So far we have spent about three hours on a bus (IN to Chicago), 7 hours in an airport, and now we've been on the plane for 3 hours. 

**SIDENOTE: While waiting, we played Euchre, and Joelle and I totally kicked butt against Noah and Ben, even though they said they were impossible to beat.**

I can't wait to see how God works in my life on this trip. I know he will do amazing things, but I'm extremely nervous. I hope all goes well. I also hope I get the opportunity to get to know Berea a LOT more. She is such an inspiring person, and I really hope that God uses this trip to help us grow closer. I think she will be a lot of help and guidance to me in India.  

Leaving!

I can't believe we leave today. It seems so unreal. I don't think the fact that I am going half way around the world has hit me quite yet. I hope that I realize it soon. I am extremely excited for what India will be like and how it will change me. I'll keep you updated on our adventure!

Packing

Today, I went shopping with my mom, and I got a bunch of Indian Salwar Cameez. There are some pictures below. They are all so beautiful and comfortable! 

Before the Trip

Here are a few pieces and parts of my application that I thought would give you a perspective as to why I chose to go to India in the first place.

1. Why would you like to be a part of this missions experience?

I would love to be a part of this ministry experience because I feel that the Lord is calling me to do so. I have been searching for a mission trip for quite some time that would be a perfect fit for me and for what God wants, and I feel that this is the one. For a long time I had a strong desire to go to Africa. It was everything I wanted. Not too long ago, God kindly told me that Africa was not right. I kept praying about an opportunity to go to Africa, and one night I read the scripture Revelations 3:8. It talks about God opening doors that no man can close, but when I read it, I also saw that God can close doors that man cannot, and He can open doors that humans cannot. After spending my quiet time on this verse, I knew that God was trying to tell me that he had closed a door that I would not have and could not have closed, but that he would open a different one.  When I realized that God was shutting that door, I was crushed. I stared longingly at the door, even though I knew that once God shut it, I had to obey Him and not open it. I became so focused upon that shut entry that I did not even stop to listen to God, or to notice the window that He had opened. That’s when India came to my attention for the first time. I was in the car with Jim Hodson while on our way to delivering food to a few needy families when he mentioned that he is going to India. He told me that I should come because of my passion for helping people, especially kids. He invited me to check it out, and told me that he thought it would be perfect fit for me, and it is.  I feel that this trip would be an immense opportunity for me. Not only do I want this mission trip, I need it. I know that God is calling me to help the people around me that are broken, the people in this world who have very little. I want to heed to God's calling. I want to be the person He wants me to be. I trust that a mission trip can bring me closer to that person. This experience would change who I am as a person and how I view the world. It would also help me to make decisions about my future. I have strongly considered becoming a missionary, but I am not sure that is God's plan for me, or even if I am cut out for it. I would really like the opportunity to minister, love, and change, in India.

2. Do you have overseas experience? If yes, please describe

I do have overseas experience, but not in a ministry aspect. I have traveled to many wonderful countries with my family, but have never had the chance to go on a missions trip before. I have been to Costa Rica, Cuba, Hawaii, Mexico, Aruba, The Bahamas, Jamaica, The Dominican Republic, Alaska, Grand Cayman, and many other small islands.

4. Please describe your personal relationship with Jesus Christ

My relationship with Christ is different from many others because of how it began. I did not embark on this incredible, wonderful journey when I was little. In fact, I did not come to know anything about God until I was 12 years old. Growing up, I heard nothing about God. I did not attend church, did not own a bible, and did not even know how much I was missing. In 7th grade, I began to feel a hole inside me. Something I could not see or describe, and yet, it could not be filled. I felt incomplete, empty inside. Around this time, a friend invited me to her youth group. After years of not having something I didn't even know about, and months of emptiness, I finally discovered what I had been missing all along. Not growing up in a Christian home was something I fought with God about for a long time. I could not understand why He let that happen. Eventually, I have come to terms with the adversity that God placed in my life. I know that was all part of His magnificent plan. I have learned that I have become a stronger person because I had to fight for my faith, and I still continue to fight for it every day. Being the only Christian in my family has been very hard, and there have been times when I have almost caved in the face of difficulty, but I continue to love my God with my soul. I know that I can always depend on Him, and that He will never let me down. I will never take my faith for granted, because I know what it is like to not live for God.

5. How do you view the Bible?

The Bible teaches me how to live my life, and how to worship God. It teaches me how to deal with any problem I'll ever have, and it is the best way to hear what God has to say. I believe that the Bible is God's word, that God inspires it. It is perfect without flaw. The Bible contains the story of how this magnificent world began, and the greatest love story ever told; God's love for me.  

6. How is the Lord calling you to serve currently?

The Lord calls me to serve each day of my life. I live for Him, and I try to shine for Him in everything I do. Every day, I live by a mission I have. My mission? To help people.  It does not matter if it is something tiny like picking up someone else's books at school, or something huge, like providing for someone who cannot afford it. Either way, I am making someone smile, whether it is for 2 seconds, or 2 days. No smile is too small; no smile is insignificant. Although I am always doing those things, I have a couple big projects I am working on right now. I am currently planning a day of fun for inner city kids with some classmates, and am working on starting a Kids Against Hunger project for my youth group as well.